Work Work Work...and Patience

I feel like not much has changed since I wrote my last post. I am still working on my same projects and attempting to get a hang of this whole teaching thing, cooking and experimenting with different ingredients and budgets, and practicing my language! Something tells me I will continue to do all of this until I close service. Hard to believe I have now been in country for 8 months!

One of the biggest and best things that has happened to me since my last post is that I officially moved! I am now a member of the Makena family. All I can say is this was most definitely the right decision and I am SO much happier!! Before I felt so isolated and although I had good neighbors, I spent majority of my time holed up in my room, which only made my homesickness worse. Now, an average day for me looks so much different. I wake up around 5:30 or 6 in the morning to the sound of my siblings singing, playing, or cleaning, and as I drink my coffee they greet me, ask me how I slept, or just giggle which absolutely warms my heart. I am always in and out of the house because my schedule varies so much, but when I do come home my gogo (or grandma) is always there, either napping, chatting with neighbors, cleaning, or relaxing so we talk a little bit (she only speaks Sepedi so its lots of laughing and nodding), and then once the kids come home I drink tea and play with them or help them with homework, do my thing and end the night by watching tv with them in their house when I feel like it. Being surrounded by such a sweet group of people, and naturally falling into helping them makes me feel wanted, supported, and useful and I could not be happier that I made this decision.

                I have decided to postpone my dance project’s start date until January. Schools here are year round, so this term, 4, is the last of the year. Since it is right before the December holidays, attendance is usually lower, and I figured that it would be best to take my time, prepare the facilitators and supplies, and start in January with a well-done platform and group of learners. It is very frustrating for me to start late (I will be starting my first secondary project when I have been in country for a year) but I need to remind myself that moments like this are the reason Peace Corps is 27 months, not 6 months. As an American and a type A personality, it is SO hard for me to not have running projects a year in. One of the most difficult aspects of Peace Corps for me is taking deep breaths, realizing everything takes time, and that so much of the impacts I make I will never see or know about. An anxiety I experience daily and a question that is always on my mind is, “am I really helping anyone?”. Its so hard to reassure myself but I am so excited to put the finishing touches on this first project, and I can only hope the participants will enjoy it as well. I am continuing to teach Life Skills at 3 local schools, and am considering switching to English at the beginning of term 1 in January. I feel like my skills might be of better use teaching my home language and that I might be more understood, but I am giving Life Skills one more term and we will see how that goes. Another project on my mind is an after-school homework help program, but that’s just brewing in my mind at the moment, so we will see. There are so many things I WANT to do, but to do them well, I have to pick and choose and that is really really hard!

                I am a member of the Volunteer Support Network (a peer to peer support group for volunteers), and was recently elected as Deputy Chair or vice president! I am really excited to be serving on a committee that helps other volunteers, and was so surprised and touched to be elected! I oversee a lot of the budget and subcommittees (LGBT, Sexual Harassment, etc. ) and besides this position we have been traveling around training the new cohort that just arrived in July. It is so nice not to be the new kid anymore! All of the other members are awesome and its so nice to get to know people from different parts of South Africa who are all at different moments in their service! Anyway, just something new and fun to be a part of J.

                I really don’t have much else to report! I am going on my FIRST vacation since arriving next week, a hike through the wild coast and I cannot WAIT!!! Pictures and details to follow.

                Lastly, I wrote an article for the newsletter on Culture Vs. Poverty so I figured I would attach it below. Feel free to read! I love you all, sorry for a kind of boring post but I hope you enjoyed it a little!

Pictures include my host sister Bokamoso’s birthday, and random ones playing with the kids. Enjoy!

All my love,

H

Culture Vs. Poverty: Which One is Pushing Our Buttons?

                Being alone at site, we all have a lot of time to think. We imagine home, the comforts and people we miss, what it will be like to go back, and we also compare those memories with the realities we face here in South Africa. Most of our day to day life as volunteers is anything but easy. We are constantly learning new aspects of the cultures where we live, about our capabilities as people, and our willingness to accept or reject pieces of our interactions and struggles that test us to no end.

                Often times when upset we naturally focus on the pieces of South African culture that are different from our own, things we do not understand, which cause obstacles that sometimes seem impossible to overcome. At least in my own head, it is very easy for me to grow angry with what I see as “South African Culture.” While there are pieces of my background and that of host country nationals that do differ, creating a clash that often makes me angry, sad, frustrated, etc., I feel that a lot of it has nothing to do with culture, but rather with poverty and socioeconomic status.

                Let’s examine attendance for example. One of my biggest frustrations with starting an afterschool dance program is that I just cannot get people to show up unless I provide food, and even then it is a struggle. All I could focus on for the longest time was how angry I was that I was spending my time and energy to offer locals a free, fun, recreational activity, and they couldn’t even leave their homes for thirty minutes just to try it. I know many other volunteers as well as organizations locally have similar issues. If we take a step back and look further into the issue rather than assuming the emotions and motives of local youth, there could be a ton at play. They could have chores, their parents could be neglecting them and their siblings so they have to care for their families, they could have work, or most important to me, they could be scared or embarrassed to try something new when no one in their life has ever encouraged them to do so. So maybe just maybe youth are not skipping out on my functions or being flakey because they’re South Africans and its their “culture,” but because they are at a poverty level where every minor move someone in their family makes, whether it be a change in schedule, lack of funds, or abusive comment, immensely affects the way they view themselves, their time, and their goals. Obviously it cannot be applied to every challenge, and it is natural to feel helpless at times when you just can’t understand how people and politics can be so different from a place you know and call home, but there is something to be said for taking a step back. 

Spinning my point of view and making room in my head and my heart for these possibilities makes my day go by just a bit faster, opens my eyes to  ways I can be of service during my time here, and leads me to a deeper understanding of a place and a population so different from anything I have ever known. It is times like this where it is our chance to learn. I am not saying it is all black and white, one or the other. I hardly know the answers to why the challenges I face seem to keep happening and probably will never find out even one month before I close service. I just encourage you to live with an open mind and open heart to the possibility that something bigger is at play than personal preference, cultural difference, or lack of interest. It takes a lot to swallow your pride, refrain from taking things personally, and putt less pressure on yourself to solve the world’s problems, especially as Americans, but we can do it.

When we swore in we promised to communicate a positive and accurate image of South Africa to citizens in our home country. I believe this is one of the ways our eyes are opened and we have the chance to go two directions. We can lash out, write off a culture we know so little about, and move on to continue meeting these speed bumps in our service with anger and resentment, or we can ride the wave, accept that life is hard (not always hard though), and take a deeper look at what really is at play in those moments of clash we face all the time. Maybe our open hearts and minds will lead us to success, and if not, at least to a better understanding of those around us which is what life is all about.

Life Orient-ing

 It has been quite the emotional roller coaster since I last posted! Both with work and my personal life, so much has happened since being back at site as an official, sworn in volunteer!

Directly after our celebrations in Pretoria, all of the volunteers headed back to site. Saying goodbye to everyone was super emotional, especially since South Africa is huge, and we are all so spread out. Some of my best friends live at least two full days of travel away from me, so knowing that unless we planned travel together, I might not see them until who knows when, was hard to wrap my mind around. A fellow PCV, Britt Molde and I stayed back in Pretoria after everyone left because we were chosen to be funded by Peace Corps to attend South Africa's Annual Conference on Orphans, Vulnerable Children, and Youth. A very early morning days later, we flew to Durban with Ethel and Bridget, two Peace Corps staff members, Kristen, Dan, Allie, Anna, and Will, other volunteers, met us there. Durban is an incredibly beautiful place. A beach town filled with people from all different social, racial, and cultural backgrounds, it has so much to offer in terms of aesthetics, food, culture, and entertainment. Peace Corps put us up in a hotel on the water with an incredible breakfast buffet, so our free time was spent either taking advantage of the wifi, jumping in the ocean, or eating delicious food. Durban has a large Indian population, and one of the most popular dishes they serve are various types of spicy curries. I was in heaven. Bunny chow, their most common, is half a loaf of bread, gutted out and filled with your choice of a meat or vegetable curry. It is then served with tons of different cucumber and carrot relishes. I had been hearing about it for months so I was so excited to finally try it!

Aside from the food, the conference was a great experience. I applied to present on theories and practices I learned during my time as a camp counselor at Tom Sawyer Camps, on the ability of trust and peer encouragement exercises to empower children of all cultures. I had never done anything like that before in my life, so I was definitely nervous, but overall it went smoothly! I felt so honored to be surrounded by such well known and accomplished people in the field, and the presentations I listened to were very inspiring! I also really enjoyed getting to know Ethel and Bridget on a more personal level, they are both so kind and down to earth and I enjoyed hearing about their lives, what brought them to Peace Corps, etc.

After we got back to Pretoria and were en route back to site, I started to feel so anxious. I had not been back to my site in over a month, and I was more nervous this time than I was the first time I ever went! I think it was because I knew what I was headed for. Peace Corps is an incredible experience don't get me wrong, but a lot of it is so immensely challenging and emotionally difficult. The isolation, loneliness, and constant cultural clash definitely wears on a person. Our first speed bump happened before we even left Pretoria, when Britt and I waited for a taxi to fill until it was almost dark. She ended up coming back to my site and staying the night with me, because there was no way she would have made it home before dark. We watched Under The Tuscan Sun and chatted, and that morning she was on her way back to her site and I was on my own again.

Those first few weeks back at site were honestly brutal. I had gotten so used to being around Americans all the time and being so busy that I felt like I was adjusting to everything again for the first time. Schools were closed for 4 weeks, so my village was pretty quiet which made things even harder. I was playing the waiting game to start any projects, since most of them revolved around local schools and administrations. Nevertheless, I got through it and everything started back up again.

During my time off, I turned 23! I spent the night at my friend Lilly's site with another fellow PCV, Eva, and we just drank cider, ate way too much chocolate and talked. It was a totally perfect, mellow Peace Corps birthday and I felt so lucky to have great people in my area to spend it with. Other volunteers really do get you through service! Another birthday present I received was meeting a new friend. I was at a local shop buying myself some birthday cookies when this elderly woman tapped me on the shoulder and told me she wanted to get to know me. She had to be in her late 80's, and she spoke perfect English and wore the biggest smile. Her name is Marie, and she is originally from Capetown, although now she resides in my village. She has held many jobs, including being on the school governing board, and is a very social lady who knows so much about the people and background of Digwale. From time to time now I stop by her house and have tea with her, as she calls it, “chatting,” which she tells me she loves to do, and I really enjoy her company. She is such a kind, understanding,smart, and supportive lady who is always so excited when I walk into her front yard, so I feel very lucky she wants to “chat” with me!

I also visited my friend MJ's site over the school holidays for 4th of July. One of my best friends in Peace Corps, and only 10 USD away from me, I am so glad she is close by! We spent the weekend at her site cooking, drinking, and talking, and I had so much fun. Sometimes you don't realize how accustomed you get to the pace and serenity of village life. I was reminded of it when MJ and I went to town to get groceries. Coming home was so calming, and we were perfectly content sitting and talking for 3 whole days, barely leaving her little room, something when I first got to site made me so stir crazy! Needless to say, village visits will keep me sane during service for sure.

Once school started, I had a lot of work to do! It took me 3 months, but I finally set up a schedule for teaching at 3 different schools! On Mondays and Fridays, I teach Life Orientation, a basic mental and physical health class to 6th graders, and on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, I split my time between teaching Life Orientation to 5th grade and 8th grade, and helping out at my organization with whatever projects they have going on at the time. It feels great to have my schedule packed with activities where I have an actual purpose, and a role in my community. I am also continuing to work on my after school dance project at the youth center, which will take time, and I want to start an after school tutoring program a few times a week. I am loving teaching in the schools. The administration is so supportive and I love spending time with the kids in my community, they make this worth it!

Throughout my time re-integrating into my local schools, I made a point of reaching out to administrators who lived locally and letting them know I wanted a host family and to let me know if they had recommendations. In Peace Corps South Africa, most volunteers live on a family's compound, in a back house with their own entrance. They have their own space, but at the same time have a family to spend time with if they so choose. I did not have a host family. I live in my own space, and two other tenants live next door to me but are by no means my “host” family, we all have one landlord, who is associated with my organization. Although I have great neighbors, I felt very isolated and alone in my living situation. I tried to adjust but just had this gut feeling it would be better to be surrounded by more people, both for my service and my mental health.

A local principal introduced me her in laws, a grandma, her three daughters, and all of their kids, who had a back house they were willing to rent out. The second I stepped into their house I felt at ease and so excited at the prospect of living with them. The kids were so sweet and the grandma completely understands my needs for privacy but company as well. Peace Corps approved my house, and I will be moving in the next month! I am so excited and cannot wait to get settled in with them! I feel so very fortunate that I reached out to this principal and that her family was interested. Cannot wait!

In the coming couple months I will be taking a trip to the Wild Coast for a five day hike with a few friends, as well as celebrating a close friends birthday at a bar/hostel in Tzaneen. Stay tuned!

Pictures Attached: My new friend Marie, Pictures from OVCY Conference and Durban, Bunny Chow (haha), Pretoria celebrations after swear in, my new host grandma, my life orientation students, my supervisor's adorable daughter, site visit at MJ's, etc. hope you enjoy!

As always, I miss you all more than you know, and home as well as my friends and family are on my mind and in my heart every day. Thanks for reading!!

All my love,

H

The Reasons I Stay.

I wanted to write about something a little bit different this post. I will catch you all up on what has been happening at site eventually, but today I wanted to talk about the rejection and failure that comes with Peace Corps service, and why it is important to stick it out. Often times when I call home I notice I am venting or expressing stuff about my host country that infuriates me, saddens me, or upsets me, so today I am going to emphasize why I stay.

Yesterday I had nothing and yet everything to lose. I am starting a dance class at a local youth center, about an hour walk away from me, with a group of staff who are extremely fun to be around and all very motivated. We discussed the possibility of starting an after school girls' club that discusses sexual health and substance abuse which we would mix with a dance class once a week. We posted fliers, spread the word, and worked with local groups who all said they would help recruit students. I bought speakers, spent time making up a class that catered to all levels and was so excited to teach dance again, something I had not done in over a year and is so central to who I am and what I love. I walked over there in high spirits and waited for 45 minutes to find not only was my counterpart not there, minimal staff were around, my fliers which I had posted were gone and replaced with fliers for a local tavern party that coming weekend, and not a single participant showed up. After waiting fifteen more minutes for good measure, I walked home in tears and completely embraced feeling sorry for myself for the next couple hours. Lame, but what I needed to process at the time.

At first, my mind was filled with anger, frustration, sadness and so much doubt about myself. Here I am trying to hard to bring something free and fun to the local youth so they do not get caught up in risky behavior, and I barely got the time of day. Its times like these where I can't help but think, what the heck am I doing here? Am I needed? Will I make a difference? What is wrong with me? Am I not trying hard enough? The list goes on and on. But then, the switch, like most that are completely unexpected from day to day here, happened to me on my walk home.

I had my headphones in planning to shut out my entire village for the reminder of the evening when I started to look around me seeing all of these little kids from door to door, in parts of the village I had never been, smiling at me, calling my Sepedi name, and reaching their hands out to me to greet them. It continued the entire way home, from two year olds to ten year olds, with their huge smiles and giggly voices, and me greeting them made them so happy and filled them with love they maybe did not experience that day otherwise. They made me laugh, made me feel loved, and made me feel noticed here. I had been dwelling on how much youth “must hate me and not want me here,” and I was missing all these little faces who only wanted to say hi and show me their excitement to see me. I was missing all of that from focusing on the bad.

The kids here are the light of this country. Their laughter and the way they get so much happiness from a little hug,  a game, a song, or a silly face can bring happiness to me on even the worst of days. They all have so much potential to get an education, make something of themselves, and hopefully make a difference in this world someday. They are the reason I stay. They are the reason I am waking up today and willing to try again, and probably again after that, even if I continue to fail at my projects or my work. They help me believe this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Even on the darkest of days I can look at them and know this is exactly where I belong, even if I get rejected or spat out on my butt after working hard on a project, these little ones want me here and I can see that.

So family and friends, know that there is so much beauty here and often times when I call and complain to you, I am being ignorant and ignoring all that is around me, choosing to focus on the bad. Next time, tell me to stop! Life comes with bumps in the road, and it isn't always someone's fault.

To fellow PCV's, when you are having a day like this, know we will all go through this, probably multiple times. It is what makes those other little moments and rays of sunshine so worth it when they do happen, and hey are worth sticking it out for, even when all you want to do is jump on the closest plane and travel as far away as you can from this place. When there is a slump or a bad day, it means something good is on the horizon.

Almost every day, I have reasons I want to go home to the states and reasons to doubt my purpose here. But when I look around and see those small reasons to stay, somehow they always weigh so much more than my reasons to go. Here are a few pictures of those wonderful little reasons that get me through the day, and I can only hope I will touch their lives in the ways they have already touched mine.