I wanted to write about something a little bit different
this post. I will catch you all up on what has been happening at site
eventually, but today I wanted to talk about the rejection and failure that
comes with Peace Corps service, and why it is important to stick it out. Often
times when I call home I notice I am venting or expressing stuff about my host
country that infuriates me, saddens me, or upsets me, so today I am going to
emphasize why I stay.
Yesterday I had nothing and yet everything to lose. I am
starting a dance class at a local youth center, about an hour walk away from
me, with a group of staff who are extremely fun to be around and all very
motivated. We discussed the possibility of starting an after school girls' club
that discusses sexual health and substance abuse which we would mix with a
dance class once a week. We posted fliers, spread the word, and worked with
local groups who all said they would help recruit students. I bought speakers,
spent time making up a class that catered to all levels and was so excited to
teach dance again, something I had not done in over a year and is so central to
who I am and what I love. I walked over there in high spirits and waited for 45
minutes to find not only was my counterpart not there, minimal staff were
around, my fliers which I had posted were gone and replaced with fliers for a
local tavern party that coming weekend, and not a single participant showed up.
After waiting fifteen more minutes for good measure, I walked home in tears and
completely embraced feeling sorry for myself for the next couple hours. Lame,
but what I needed to process at the time.
At first, my mind was filled with anger, frustration,
sadness and so much doubt about myself. Here I am trying to hard to bring
something free and fun to the local youth so they do not get caught up in risky
behavior, and I barely got the time of day. Its times like these where I can't
help but think, what the heck am I doing here? Am I needed? Will I make a
difference? What is wrong with me? Am I not trying hard enough? The list goes
on and on. But then, the switch, like most that are completely
unexpected from day to day here, happened to me on my walk home.
I had my headphones in planning to shut out my entire
village for the reminder of the evening when I started to look around me seeing
all of these little kids from door to door, in parts of the village I had never
been, smiling at me, calling my Sepedi name, and reaching their hands out to me
to greet them. It continued the entire way home, from two year olds to ten year
olds, with their huge smiles and giggly voices, and me greeting them made them
so happy and filled them with love they maybe did not experience that day
otherwise. They made me laugh, made me feel loved, and made me feel noticed
here. I had been dwelling on how much youth “must hate me and not want me
here,” and I was missing all these little faces who only wanted to say hi and
show me their excitement to see me. I was missing all of that from focusing on
the bad.
The kids here are the light of this country. Their laughter
and the way they get so much happiness from a little hug, a game, a song, or a silly face can bring
happiness to me on even the worst of days. They all have so much potential to
get an education, make something of themselves, and hopefully make a difference
in this world someday. They are the reason I stay. They are the
reason I am waking up today and willing to try again, and probably again after
that, even if I continue to fail at my projects or my work. They help me
believe this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Even on the darkest of days
I can look at them and know this is exactly where I belong, even if I get
rejected or spat out on my butt after working hard on a project, these little
ones want me here and I can see that.
So family and friends, know that there is so much beauty
here and often times when I call and complain to you, I am being ignorant and
ignoring all that is around me, choosing to focus on the bad. Next time, tell
me to stop! Life comes with bumps in the road, and it isn't always someone's
fault.
To fellow PCV's, when you are having a day like this, know
we will all go through this, probably multiple times. It is what makes those
other little moments and rays of sunshine so worth it when they do happen, and
hey are worth sticking it out for, even when all you want to do
is jump on the closest plane and travel as far away as you can from this place.
When there is a slump or a bad day, it means something good is on the horizon.
Almost every day, I have reasons I want to go home to the
states and reasons to doubt my purpose here. But when I look around and see
those small reasons to stay, somehow they always weigh so much more than my
reasons to go. Here are a few pictures of those wonderful little reasons that
get me through the day, and I can only hope I will touch their lives in the
ways they have already touched mine.
